When we meet someone in need, often the primary response elicited in us is to do something. Our child struggling with homework, complaining about a difficult social situation, or a plaintive appeal for help in doing something, will usually evoke a reflexive reaction of wanting to intercede, to do something. A neighbor bemoaning health woes, a friend complaining about the inability to find a job, a spouse enraged at being mistreated at work, a single friend berating the choice of dates, a sibling angry at a parent, a parent raging at an abusive neighbor, virtually beg us to say something wise, comforting and helpful.

It is not always the principles of benevolence and altruism that guide us to respond to someone in need. We might feel discomfort, guilt, paternal/maternal, vengeful, pious, or a host of other feelings motivating us to respond. A parent may feel inadequate, negligent or derelict if they do not assist a child. When someone unburdens themselves to us and we are not driven to help, we can be seen as uncaring, cold-blooded, sadistic and inhuman. These inevitably influence and inform our intervention.

To truly be helpful to someone we must understand what their need is and how best to respond to it. Does a struggling child need our encouragement and assurance that they can do it on their own, or do we need to actively assist them? When we do a child's homework, are we fostering poor work habits, laziness,and dependency? Should we instead explain the homework questions or rephrase them, so the child can do it alone? Should we firmly say, “You can do it!” and not help? The correct approach depends on the child. It is best to find out what would be most helpful for your child. Sometimes doing homework is lonely and an overwhelming task. Just being present and encouraging, without directly helping with the homework is what is helpful. To get the child to verbalize what is most helpful for them is the ideal. They might say they feel stupid. It is important not to counter with “No, you're not stupid.” It is more helpful to find out what makes them feel stupid. This patient approach will give you more insight to offer the correct intervention.

So too, with social issues and any situation, when they ask for your help. The rule of thumb is to find out what they really need from you, to be able to accomplish what they need to. This must eventually foster self-confidence and independence. When a child learns to express his or her needs clearly, without whining, tantrums or non-verbal expressions, it is a sign of maturity.

There are chronic complainers who, while appearing to want help, seem frozen in their state of misfortune. In most cases, they have told their story of woe to so many others. They may just need to continue finding a listening ear. Think of all the people that have preceded you as a captive audience, and offered suggestions in good faith. Has that changed the situation? When we hear someone bemoaning his health, and we instinctively ask about the nature of the medical care, or proffer solutions, we find that this situation does not change. He continually seeks every audience to pronounce his terrible plight.

If someone is complaining about their inability to find a job, we might wonder what they want from us. Certainly many others have heard this tale of woe, been solicitous as to why the person cannot find a job, and even offered suggestions, to no avail. The single acquaintance that complains about the difficulty in meeting “The Right One” might well have shared this with so many others, yet, despite countless suggestions and introductions makes no progress. The stories of personal mistreatment at work, by relatives, spouses, the government, etc. are part of the ongoing repertoire for many who seek every opportunity to unburden themselves. Despite all the countless suggestions offered, the situations remain the same. When we feel the need to do something the best intervention is to say nothing. Just listen, if you have the time and patience. Why is there an imperative to say anything? If you are asked for help, then it is not improper, rude or cold-hearted to ask, “What would you like from me?” Or “What would be helpful to you?”

So too in all situations, when we are approached by someone in need, it is necessary to get the individual to verbalize clearly what she would like from you. We should never assume that an intervention is helpful. Readily finding a job for an unemployed friend might be catastrophic, especially if the loss of another job might be devastating to their ego. Setting up a single who has a history of being abusive, or might fall apart when rejected, is highly dangerous. Recommending a medical remedy to a hypochondriac is self-defeating. True, these are extreme examples, but we must be very circumspect when we feel the need to do something. It is best to wait for a clear request for our help. Then we need to find out what would be helpful by asking, “What help would you like from me?” Or “What would be helpful to you?” After they express what they would like from you, it is best to explore how that would be helpful to them. When this is clearly understood, then being helpful can truly be helpful.
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Dr. Ari Korenblit does psychotherapy with children, adolescents, adults and marriage counseling. He has offices in Brooklyn and Manhattan.