Most of us know when things aren't working in our couple relationship. We may feel hurt or irritated with our partner or have a sense that we're drifting apart. It's easy to know what we don't like. It's much harder to know how to fix it. Here are some suggestions that you can do now to create a more loving relationship with your spouse.

Too often our couple relationship ends up at the bottom of our list of priorities. Give your relationship the priority it deserves. Go out for dinner, see a movie, or take a weekend away. Have a coffee together when you get home from work or snuggle after the kids are in bed. Take time to turn to each other and reconnect at the end of every day.

Consider handling your conflicts differently. Don't start a discussion by angrily criticizing, blaming, or attacking your partner. Your spouse will quickly move to defend himself /herself and be unable to respond to the issue you want addressed.

Present the issue as a problem that the two of you need to solve together, not as one that pits you against each other as enemies.

Express what you are feeling, and state clearly and assertively what you want to be different. For example, instead of "You're so selfish. You always ignore me, you care more about work than you do about me," try "I have been missing you lately and I'm feeling lonely. I want us to talk about how we can spend more time together."

Don't get defensive or withdrawn. We can't resolve an issue when we are focused on protecting ourselves, proving we're right, or punishing our spouse by withdrawing.

Try to stay calm and listen to your spouse's experience of the situation. Listening won't compromise your position. In fact, it increases the likelihood that your partner will be able to hear what you have to say.

Compliment and praise each other. Notice some of the good things your spouse does, then say something positive about them. You can thank your partner for picking up your dry cleaning. Express appreciation for the ways that he/she is loving or supportive of you. Or you can just tell him/her what you love about him/her.

Improve yourself and your couple relationship will improve. You can't look to your spouse to fix the things that are wrong in your life. You have to take charge and take responsibility for making yourself happy. When you are busy and excited by your own life, the small things that used to anger or disappoint you about your spouse will lessen.

You don't need to be ready to get a divorce before you go for counseling. If you feel unable to resolve a particular problem, or if you want to improve any aspect of your relationship, call and make an appointment with a council you feel comfortable with.
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Ben Gurion Matsas