Life isn’t easy. Everyday, questions and problems pop up and confuse us. Sometimes we need an objective point of view to makes sense of these dilemmas. Here are some recommendations for life’s perplexing problems.

Q: I'm married two years and have one son. My wife comes from a very fine family; her upbringing was exceptional. My problem is that my mother complains about my wife and has nothing nice to say.

I told my rabbi and he suggested I cut off contact with my parents and siblings, which I did. Since then, I have had no peace, but I can't renew our contact for fear that it will harm my marriage. My sister had a similar problem with my parents, and after three years, her husband could not tolerate it and divorced her. It has been a year since I’ve cut off contact with my family. As a result I have fallen into a depression. I know I am not honoring my father and mother. What should I do?

A: Your problem is very complex. Honoring your parents is not only a formal duty, but something that is rooted in a man’s heart and soul. And here you are torn between your parents and your wife.
First, the problem is that you are depressed. Depression is not only a result of what you have described, but an approach to life. Try to pull yourself out of your depressive state.

You are not to blame for your problem. Your parents are having difficulty separating from you and want to have some measure of control over you. You should not have to pay this price.

The rabbis you talked to were right when they said that your loyalty and commitment to your wife comes first. Your wife is an inseparable part of you, just as you are of her. This is the natural way things should be, as well as the Hallachic reality.

I think a better solution would be to approach your family and tell them that you want to have a relationship with them, as long as they accept your wife.

If they continue to pressure you in a negative direction, you can cut them off, but if they accept your life and your wife then you can welcome them back into your life.

Pray that Hashem will bring peace to your home, and that your mother will be released from her insensitivity and her hostility. Pray that G-d will open her eyes to the wonderful qualities your wife possesses.

Speak to your wife as well, and clarify and reassure her that she comes first. That way your partnership will be strengthened and the home you build will be solid.

You need to come out of your depression. Only with happiness in your heart can you hope to extricate yourself from this situation. May G-d open the eyes of those who created this unnecessary problem. All the best, love and peace.

Q: To my great sorrow, I negated G-d’s existence through my adolescence, and then in the army. I would argue that G-d is man’s invention, and man needs that belief. I always argued that religion is the opium of the masses, and was invented so man can find meaning in his life.

Today I have returned to religion and live a religious life. But sometimes I still question G-d’s existence. My question is: How can I eradicate these thoughts from my heart?

A: I do not know how to convince people who do not believe in G-d, that G-d exists. There is no logical way to prove this.

Faith is not based on proof, but it is based on tradition and on the internal convictions of cleaving to G-d. I think that you believe in G-d and that you are searching for him, yet you have not found him. It is good that you are taking responsibility for yourself, since G-d left open space for us in this world and commanded us to be involved within this structure without the ability to see him. This enables you to find deep strengths and yearning in your search for G-d.

If these are your thoughts, and you are searching more and more, know that it is not weakness on your part, but a solid core of growth and creativity. These thoughts can allow man to mine great strengths from within him and within his independence.

Therefore do not be faint of heart and don't see these thoughts as a tragedy, but as a challenge that can bring you up to great heights of meaning in your existence. All the best.

Q: I am going out with a boy that is smart, religious, flexible and more. He is what I have always looked for in a person, but I don't love him.

On the one hand, I believe that I need to feel something special towards him, yet on the other hand maybe I'm too picky and don't understand that love is something that takes building over time. Maybe I need to understand that love and falling in love are two different things. I feel that this question is important since I am not the only one who is struggling with this issue. I know of at least two other friends who are going through the same thing. I don’t understand why I don’t love him.

A: There are people who will settle and raise a family with a man they think is great, but with whom they are not madly in love, hoping that stronger feelings will develop.

Then there are the people who will not give up on true and powerful love. He or she believes that it is the way things should be and that s/he will eventually find it. Then there are those who believe in true love but are afraid it might not happen so are willing to compromise.

It is difficult to speak about ‘the right way.’ I have no doubt that one of the great messages the Hallacha tried to teach us is that a family is not founded on love alone. In many places in the Hallacha and in Aggada we find that Judaism's message—mainly connected to the realities of our life—is that family foundation is not solely dependent on romance.

If there is a great love between two people it is an enormous asset, but even if it is not so great, you live together and slowly build a relationship together, knowing that you will not reach the maximum but that the structure is right. In that way Judaism stands apart from a culture in which falling in love is a prerequisite to forming a couple, and when that love is extinguished, so is the marriage—which is one of the biggest calamities of our generation.

The truth is that love, in its glory and at its peak, erupts in all directions, and a person is unable to relinquish the object of his love from his thoughts. That is how Maimonides describes it in the 10th chapter of the Laws of Repentance, and that is what we learn from Shir Hashirim ( Songs of Songs), for example. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. It can develop in many different ways—less excitable and more cognitive, less enthusiastic but with more depth.

You need to be aware that for every action in reality there are different meanings and different prices. You might find it, yet you might not. All I have come to teach is that you should not assume that if a passionate love does not exist, your foundations are not good. It is a mistake many girls make, eventually finding themselves disappointed by the fact that they did not get to climb half the mountain because they made an ‘all or nothing’ condition with themselves.

If you see yourself happy with the man you wrote about, even though you’re not passionately in love with him, then maybe you can build a life with him. If, however, you will berate yourself because you could have done better, then wait for Mr. Right and hope that he eventually comes along. All the best.

Written by: Rabbi Yuval Cherlow